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a little silly
corrosive
it's a disappointment that i haven't had any feelings worth recording until now, as if i really had become this shell of a person allowed to wisp through a lifespan eating-shitting-working-sleeping, erecting no monument to my existence save for a passing remark to someone and notching the days on an imaginary wall until the day i finally decide to give up or do something. it's more far-removed from ennui, actively striving to be inactive and listless, but that's all blah blah semantics and points are hard to come by.

i have this guy who likes me and in pragmatism and possibly obligation i like him back. not that he's an awful person -- our interests are common, he buys me things, he treats me well and i can see some sort of vague adoration when we glancingly meet eyes.

i haven't held eye contact with people in a long time.

i'm not unhappy, it just seems run like a business. his majors are accounting and finance. go figure.

last week though, this other guy that i've had funny little conversations with, who had disappeared without a trace and left me feeling slightly sullen but not entirely hurt because it's not like we were more than coworkers, happened to come along. probably stupidly but honestly, i say something to the effect of "oh, i miss talking to you," and there we are, exchanging numbers on our nokia/eriksson/samsung/whatever head tumors, that digital guillotine everyone charges to the killing blow, and off on our ways. we have a date, painting vandalism in a park and eating a dinner that was way out of my league, talking about awkward nothing-in-particulars like favorite (insert category here)s and aspirations defining us as individuals or the individuals we see ourselves as when we preen our interests to a dull peacock shine.. or not talking and just looking.

95% eye contact 5% looking away bashfully. not the point, but there really isn't one.

i don't know if it was the murmur in which he spoke or the strange frantic spark that seems to permeate every action he executes, but i haven't smiled so genuinely in god knows how long.

he's moving, not too far, and i was fine with not seeing him again and letting the occasion be what it was, good times and hangovers, but he called. elation and danger and all these things rushing back to me that i thought i had lost are suddenly apparent, and i don't want to say i feel like a person again because i'm pretty sure i've always been some sort of person, but even now i'm smiling teeth instead of the side-raised, thin-lipped customer service smile i've been giving the world for such a long time.

i've said this before to people, but i haven't had a tremor in my chest to back me up on it for the past couple of years.

i'm happy.

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Aw.

Also, oh fuck.

But mostly aw.

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?

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